Everything About Him
by JulzAndKate
Summary: yay! my first twilight ff!okay,this is an extreamly random story about what could have happened with bella and jake after edward left.not very romantic,but VERY funny! R&R!


**A/N: Hola! This is mah (julz) first ever Twilight story!! This is AU. Please R&R… be nice! I am VERY sensitive! And if you're nice, I'll send you some nice virtual brownies… or any pastry of your choice! Oh, and Kate slept over the night I was writing this so she get credit for some o' the ideas too… BUT IT'S MOSTLY MINE! MWHAHAHAHA! *coughing fit * *breathes deeply in and out… ***

_**Everything About Him (Bella's P.O.V.)**_

After Edward left me sleeping in a forest and leaving me with no protection whatsoever, I decided that he wasn't who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It took me a while to figure that out, being the sluggish idiot I am. After A few months of moping and being emo, I decided to give Jake a call. I haven't seen him for a while and he must be dying to be in my royal and manly presence.

We hung out a lot after that. We fixed cars, poked each other, and joked around. I loved him. He was like my younger brother (although taller).

After awhile, he lost contact with me and I was all like, pukey and stuff. I found myself wanting him… just like I wanted Edward. I found myself dreaming of him. I dreamed he was like Edward. He loved me, and protected me, and watched me when I sleep like a crazy stalker. Oh, yes. That was my favorite part. The watching me part. Because HE doesn't break when he looks at me like a certain MIRROR did! I wanted him, I craved his presence just like Charlie craves his meaty burgers that make him fat…*shudder*

So, like Edward and his creepy stalker like actions, Jake crawled into my window one night. His large uni-brow got stuck on the latch of my window and he just swayed in the breeze with the ends of his brow also flapping in the breeze. He started breathing deeply in and out and THAT'S what woke me up.

"JACOB!" I squealed in my beautiful and attractive deep man voice.

"Yesssss….?" He slurred. I raised my eyebrows. "Oh! Don't mind me and my flapping eyebrow…" he patted his eyebrow. "Just Winston and I… hanging out… outside of your window!" I giggled madly and patted my bed. He hesitated.

"Is Winston allowed to come in, too?" I nodded. He tore away from the window latch and sat down next to me, breathing deeply in and out. He then laid his chin on my shoulder.

"Would you like to pet Winston?" he smiled hopefully. I petted his eyebrow and felt the sweat from it seep onto my fingers. I sniffed it…mmmmm….

"Jake, why are you ignoring me?" I asked.

"Cause I'm a werewolf! Oops… DARN IT! Oh Winston! What did you make me doooooooo?" he shouted and started slapping his forehead. He then ripped Winston off and screamed, "GET INTO YOUR CORNER, YOUNG MAN!" The eyebrow floated away and out the window. Without his brow, he almost looked feminine. I wish _**I **_could look feminine! Jacob's tummy grumbled. He growled.

"I WANT MY FREAKING TURKEY BREAST WITH FREAKING GRAVYYYYYYYYY!" he shouted at me. I looked astonished.

"YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN? BUT I LOOOOVE YOU!" I cried. He barked at me.

"I WANT THAT TO EAT, YOU STUPID CANTALOUPE!" he screamed. "But I love you too, you disgusting man rat!" I blushed and grabbed a moldy tv dinner out from under my bed. He ate it and burped. I realized then…

That everything about him drew me closer to him. His wet dog smell, his beautiful bushy eyebrow, and his raw meat breath. Oh, I loved it more than Edward's cologne smell, his properly trimmed eyebrows, and his spearmint breath.

I kissed Jacob roughly with my fat lips and my little whiskery mustache scratched him. I released him and found that we somehow ended up on the floor.

"Ugh, Bella, you're such a bad kisser! But I'm a sucker for bad kissers!" and we made out… right there. Then Winston flew in and laid right on top of my lip, where it will stay until he's out of his punishment.

The end

*breathes in deeply in and out*

_**a/n: so… did y'alls like it??? Lol, I know it's strange but when I'm with mah bffleawavs, that just kinda happens. It's uncontrollable, ya know? Meh…meh! Kate's…stealing… mah… laptop!!! nOooooo!**_

_**Ahem! *cough cough* Well, that was pleasant! But seriously, people, I busted a lung laughing when we read this aloud, so be nice when you review, or Winston {jake's eyebrow} will hunt you down, and EAT YOU! Nah, just kiddin! But he WILL pour some of Bella's gross, manly lip sweat on you! BYE!!! R&R!**_

_**xxxxx**_


End file.
